


Memos and Letters

by randomcheeses



Series: Family [7]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: AU, Family, Gen, Gen Fic, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-04
Updated: 2010-09-04
Packaged: 2017-10-11 11:17:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/111840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomcheeses/pseuds/randomcheeses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Al wasn't the only one to end up four years younger?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memos and Letters

_Memo to: Col. Roy Mustang_

_From: Lt. Riza Hawkeye._

_Re: Lateness_

_‘I cannot come in to work due to parenting related exhaustion’ is not a valid excuse, Sir._

_Do not try it again._

“If Lieutenant Colonel Hughes can simultaneously be a parent and work, then so can you, sir,” Riza said firmly.

“But Hawkeye, Hughes has only one kid,” the Colonel defended himself. “And a wife! I, on the other hand, am clearly outnumbered.”

“Then I suggest that you ask your family for help, sir.”

“I already tried,” Roy said mournfully. “Madam Christmas told me she wasn’t old enough to be a grandmother and kicked me out.”

“What about Izumi?”

The Colonel blanched. “Actually, I think I’ll be able to manage. There’s no need to make her come all the way from Dublith.”

“Very good sir.”

###

_Memo to: Col. Roy Mustang_

_From: Lt. Riza Hawkeye_

_Re: Execution of correct duties_

_Your staff are not a free babysitting service, sir. Stop conning them into watching the Elrics just so that you have time to go on a date._

“I didn’t con them. They volunteered,” Roy protested.

“They don’t have the time. They’re far enough behind in their paperwork as it is,” the Lieutenant replied sharply. She looked meaningfully at the pile on Roy’s own desk.

He gulped.

###

_Memo to: 2nd Lt. Havoc_

_From: Col. Roy Mustang_

_Re: Collection_

_Do me a favour and collect Ed from the academy today, would you?_

Havoc looked at the memo in surprise and then glanced towards the inner office. “Why  
did the Colonel write this? He coulda just told me.”

“He’s too busy,” Hawkeye answered as she walked past carrying an armload of forms higher than her head.

Minutes later, there was a heartfelt groan from the inner office.

###__

_Memo to: That DIRTBAG who upset Alphonse Elric with exceptionally rude remarks while he and his brother were waiting for Col. Mustang outside his office._

_From: Col. Mustang’s staff._

_We know who you are. When we catch up with you, Ed transmuting your bootlaces together will be the **least** of your worries._

To the mystification of all who knew him, 2nd Lieutenant Weiss suddenly requested a transfer to the northern border and spent the entire trip there looking nervously over his shoulder.

“Hello, Second Lieutenant,” Captain Buccaneer greeted him upon arrival. “A friend in Central told me about you. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you. Around here, we don’t like people who pick on little kids.”

He brandished his automail.

Weiss fainted.

Buccaneer spat. “Feh. Even more of a coward than Hawkeye wrote.”

“You haven’t managed to convince her to transfer up here yet, have you?” General Armstrong asked later. “I could use another strong woman on my team.”

“I’m working on it,” Buccaneer promised.

###

_Memo to: _Roy__

_From: _Ed and Al.

_Re:_ Breakfast

WHERE IS IT?!

“Hilarious,” the Colonel muttered, looking blearily at the paper taped to his kitchen door. “Don’t they know that Sunday is for sleeping in?”

Something poked him in the back. He turned round and found the Elrics looking up at him grumpily.

“You’re awake,” Al announced. “Now can we have food?”

“Food,” Ed echoed, yawning.

Roy raised an eyebrow at them. “And where exactly did you two get printed memo papers?”

“Miss Riza let us borrow one,” they chorused.

“Of course she did. What was I thinking?”

###

_Dear _ _ Col. Mustang _ _,_

_I would like to speak with you concerning your ~~son/daughter~~, _ _ ward , Edward Elric _ _ ._

_Please make an let our secretary know what time an appointment would be convenient._

_Yours Sincerely,_

_ Col. Evan  Harker (Deputy Headmaster) _

_Central Military Academy._

“Colonel Mustang!” the Deputy Headmaster greeted him. “Welcome. It’s very good of you to come.”

“Your letter said you wished to speak to me about Ed, Mr. Harker,” Roy replied flatly, pointedly ignoring the retired military man’s rank. “Has he gotten himself into trouble?”

“No, no, not as such,” Harker said, twitching slightly at the appellation ‘Mr.’ “Edward is a gifted boy.” He coughed awkwardly. “But that is hardly news to you, I am sure, given his er. . .”

“Unique circumstances?” Roy suggested.

“Yes, exactly,” Harker agreed. “Unfortunately Colonel, despite your young ward’s undeniable intelligence, he is rather . . . undisciplined. Understandable, of course,” the man smiled cheerfully, “with his, as you said, ‘unique circumstances’.”

Roy narrowed his eyes at Harker and saw him swallow nervously. “Undisciplined?” he asked. “How so?”

“According to his teachers, Edward has trouble concentrating in class,” Harker explained.

A sudden suspicion occurred to Roy. “He hasn’t been correcting the teachers, has he?”

Harker laughed nervously. “No, no. We would have been in touch much sooner if that was the case. No, Edward’s problem seems to be his attention span. He spends most of his classes day dreaming.”

Roy frowned. “His marks have been satisfactory so far, yes?”

“Er, yes.”

“Then clearly Ed must be paying some attention,” he snapped. “The boy has more intelligence than the majority of this country’s population. If his marks are good, clearly he is putting it to use. I trust you are not just wasting my time here, Mr. Harker.”

Harker bridled. “Colonel Mustang, I understand that Edward _was_ a highly skilled State Alchemist, but right now he is an eleven-year-old boy with no recollection of any of that. If he has been doing anything other than staring out the window when he’s supposed to be watching his teachers, then eight different highly qualified instructors have missed it, and I don’t think that’s very likely.”

“It’s just that his teachers feel, and I agree,” Harker continued, “that Edward would benefit greatly from attending the academy as a full time boarder instead of just as a day student. As an alumni yourself, you are aware that in the majority of cases, boarders, having already experienced a, watered down version shall we say, are much better prepared for the routine that members of the military are expected to follow. You wouldn’t be expected to pay extra fees,” he added quickly. “The academy would obviously be glad to overlook them in the case of such a gifted student.”

“Be assured,” Roy replied icily once the man had finished, “that if I choose to enrol Edward as a boarder, then I would be quite capable of paying the costs without assistance.”

“Of course, of course, I meant no offense,” Harker replied nervously. “Still, I encourage you to do so. It would be of great benefit to him,” he repeated.

Roy picked through his memories of his own days as a full time boarder at the academy. Then he did a quick calculation of the tendency of teenage boys to pick on the smallest, youngest kid in the dorm, versus Ed’s ability to refrain from seriously injuring people with his Izumi-taught martial arts skills when he lost his temper. Finally he added in a rough estimate of how miserable both Ed and Al would quickly become if Ed did not come home for months and another estimate of how long it would take before Ed simply decided to leave by creating a hole in the academy wall.

“No Deputy Headmaster, I think not.”

###

_Memo to: Edward_

_From: Your hardworking guardian who is paying for your education out of the goodness of his heart._

_Re: School_

_Could you at least **try** to look as if you’re paying attention in class?_

“Is it really that boring, Brother?” Al asked, peeking over his brother’s shoulder at the memo taped to the fridge.

“Worse,” Ed confirmed. “They don’t do any alchemy at all.” He turned and saw his that his little brother was clutching an envelope. “What’s that?”

“It’s a letter for Roy. The postman delivered it just now.”

“Huh. Wait a minute. . . isn’t that teacher’s handwriting?!”

###

_Dear Little Brother,_

_Sig and I have decided to visit you and the boys to see how you’re getting on._

_We’ll arrive on the morning train this Saturday._

** _Be at the station when we get there._ ** __

_Love,_

_Izumi_

“Are you okay, Roy?” Al asked. “You’ve gone all white.”

The Colonel swallowed. “Izumi and Sig are coming to visit,” he told the children.

The two boys squeaked and clutched at each other for safety.

“Maybe we could hide in the basement,” Ed suggested desperately.

“Ed, I don’t have a basement.”

“I could make one!”

Roy thought about it. “No,” he decided regretfully. “She’d find us, and then be angry that we tried to hide.”

“What are we gonna do?!” Al wailed.

Roy straightened to his full height and attempted a confident look. “We’re going to do the only thing that might work. We’ll be on our best behaviour,” he announced.

“We’re doomed,” Ed said flatly.


End file.
